Listening to: Tori Kelly - Dear No One
Mood: Eh.
Time: 2.50pm
I don't know how I feel lately, but I know for sure I haven't been very happy. Last week was one of my worst weeks in history. Everything was becoming worse and worse. I kept losing things, emotionally and materially. I just don't know how to cope with this. I want to cry but I ask myself, what am I crying about?
Let's look on the emotional side.
I want something, but I'm too afraid, too ashamed, to embarrassed to say it out loud. Probably. Or simply, I don't know what I want, but just something. I guess maybe I have too much pride or an ego to state what I want, but isn't that contradicting? If I was brave as I state that I am, I wouldn't be afraid, or ashamed or embarrassed to say what I want, right? I'd just flaunt it out, walk around with my wounds open and let everyone know what's up.
So here it is: I want someone that'll stick with me through and through, 'till the end. Forever. Forever doesn't exist, but I want this person to make it exist. Make forever feel real. To me, at least.
The other day I looked through my old booth pictures book, where I stuck the booth pictures in, there were a few sheets I still needed to stick in so I thought I did that. I looked over all the photos, remembering certain memories I had with each person that was in there. Some great, some bad, I'm glad it happened at all... Then came the pictures of me and him. I looked at it and laughed at all the quirky and silly faces we were making, it was cute. I even tweeted Erika to take a look at them too because she had a set of her own. I missed our fun moments. I'm glad it happened at all.
Today I went back on my archive on Tumblr to try download some songs because my music list got wiped... for an unknown reason I do not know. I came across a few conversations that was of me and him. It was cute. I couldn't help but smile at the stupidness we used talk about, like penguins and giraffes, kitchen bitches and tree demons. We were one weird couple, ey?
I guess it hurts to know that you're not like that any more and you've changed, completely. Why? I don't know the answer and probably never will. I don't know what's up with me lately that's making me feel like the way I feel right now. I feel like I can change you back the way you were, when you were with me, but realistically I know there's no chance, because who am I to change the way you are? I'm no one, especially to you. I don't know why I'm still holding on this little bit of hope, hoping you can change, hoping you'll realise what a jerk you've been and one day repent for your mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Realistically, it'll just never happen, because with your ego, there's no turning back. But I just keep hoping, even when I know it won't happen.
After everything, all the things I've found out about you, the real truth, I don't understand how can I still be here? When you've already moved on, long time ago. But I'm still here. I hate to admit it but it's the truth. Nothing but the sad truth.
You and I ♥
